


Every Day Is Exactly The Same

by HoddieMaine



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: I lied when I said it was mostly going to be fluff, M/M, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2016-11-24
Packaged: 2018-08-31 08:17:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8571166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HoddieMaine/pseuds/HoddieMaine
Summary: It's not an identity crisis. It's just that after months of floating through space and the monotony of hard won battles and training and green food goo and nameless aliens thanking them… Lance is starting to go a little crazy.





	1. Chapter 1

It's not an identity crisis. 

 

It's just that after months of floating through space and the monotony of hard won battles and training and green food goo and nameless aliens thanking them… Lance is starting to go a little crazy. 

 

There's no awesomely bad television in space to binge watch with Pidge. No bro dates to drag Hunk on. No family to sing at the top of his lungs in the car with. And he starts to feel himself slip. Because without earth, without home, who is he? 

 

Ok, so maybe it's a little bit of an identity crisis. 

 

Every day is the same routine and he's surrounded with the same people with the same routine and everything is so the same that it's all become a blur. You could argue that they each have their own things, that Lance isn't Hunk, isn't Pidge, isn't Shiro, isn't Keith. Definitely isn't Keith. But god, is it starting to feel that way.

 

They talk about the same things, whatever problem of the day they currently seem to be on or new bonding activity or upgrades to the lions.

 

And Lance is happy that they've all grown so close that they can finish each other's sentences… but, it's getting harder to remember where he ends. Or begins.

 

When's the last time he even spoke his native tongue? He's lost count of the days. Has he even picked a fight with Keith recently? He's not sure. His actions becoming more and more dictated by what is expected, not what actually comes naturally.

 

He makes the joke. He shoots the gun. He hides in his room.

 

In the beginning, after they had lost count of the days since finding Blue, Lance had needed to know the date. It was so important to him. Had he missed his cousin’s birthday? Was it time for the twins to start up soccer again? Would he miss his sister’s big dance recital?

 

Hunk and Pidge had worked for days with the help of Coran to create a tracker for Earth. He would be able to figure out what his family would be doing, where they would be. He felt like visualizing it would comfort him.

 

When the CalendarClock was finished, and Pidge announced, self satisfied, the date and time back home, Lance had felt sick.

 

How had that much time already passed?

 

He wasn't comforted by picturing his family going about their day to day lives. He felt a tight pain in his chest at just how much he had missed. Was missing. Would miss.

 

He completely avoided the contraption after that.

 

He wasn't just homesick. He didn't just miss his family. 

 

He didn't know who he was any more.

 

The halls echoed with the scuffing of his feet as he made his way through the mostly empty castle. He imagined it was late. He should probably be sleeping, that familiar discomfort of having been awake too long sparking through his body. Pidge was probably awake somewhere tinkering, and hell, Hunk would never be mad at him for waking him up to talk… but Lance had long stopped bringing his problems to them. He didn't want to be a broken record. A burden.

 

He felt hollow.

 

His wandering had brought him to one of the observation decks. Windows overlooking the vast inky cosmos. 

 

More emptiness than light, he thought.

 

Lance sat on the cold floor and stared into the welcoming abyss. He knew he'd end up spending the rest of his night here, like so many nights before. He breathed a sigh and tried to focus on what made him, him.

 

 

“Lance.”

 

Lance groaned. His back hurt. He was cold. He was more tired than either of these things, so he curled up and tried to reach back out and embrace sleep once again.

 

“Lance.”

 

He was being shaken now.

 

“Nn what the fuck,” he slurred as he stiffly sat up, body cracking in the process.

 

“Why are you sleeping on the floor?”

 

Keith was crouching next to him, hand hovering over his shoulder from having woken him. Lance took in his surroundings. Observation deck. Floor. Sleep. Keith.

 

“They don't exactly have furniture in this room, Keith,” he scoffed as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

 

Keith rolled his eyes, any concern for the other paladin melting off his face in an instant as he stood.

 

“I'd ask what's wrong with the bed in your room, but I suddenly no longer care.” Keith turned to leave the room.

 

“I couldn't sleep.” Lance rubbed one hand aggressively across his face, trying to wake himself up.

 

“It didn't look like you were struggling to me,” Keith smirked as he stepped back a little closer to where Lance sat. “In fact, I'm pretty sure you were drooling.”

 

Lance grimaced, sucking in a breath, readying himself to launch into a tirade against the mullet ass stupid crop top dick bag jerk in front of him, but his heart wasn't in it. The banter would be forced and his exhaustion warred with his need to keep up appearances. It won out in the end.

 

Keith must have seen the brief inner turmoil on his face. Or maybe it was just that telling when Lance didn't start a fight.

 

Keith seemed to be battling in own thoughts, a look of confusion on his face.

 

“Are you ok, dude?” Lance raised an eyebrow in his direction. Keith furrowed his brow.

 

“I was trying to decide if I should ask you the same thing.”

 

Silence surrounded them, locked in a staring contest, neither paladin willing to break first.

 

Lance sighed. Fine. If it meant Keith would stop looking at him like that, he’d talk.

 

“I can't sleep.”

 

“Yeah, you said that.”

 

“Oh my god, would you let a guy finish!”

 

Once Lance was sure Keith was going to keep his big mouth shut, he started again.

 

“I can't sleep. So, I come here and I watch the stars go by until I'm so exhausted my body just takes care of it.”

 

“You tell Shiro?”

 

“No, unlike you, I don't go running to Shiro with all my problems!” Lance meant for it to be biting, but even he could hear the misery edging its way into his words.

 

If Keith was effected, he didn't show it.

 

“First, I'm gonna ignore that. Second, Shiro has dealt with his fair share of sleepless nights, he probably could help.”

 

Lance looked down at the floor between his knees. He really didn't want to bother Shiro. He didn't want him to worry. Besides, Lance and Keith both knew that Shiro spent most nights on the training deck. Guy didn't take his own advice.

 

Lance felt Keith make himself comfortable on the floor next to him. He didn't look up. He didn't want to see the concern or the contempt on Keith's face. This was already more than he had talked to anyone about this. It was probably the most he and Keith had talked about anything not mission related.

 

They sat in silence for awhile, more comfortable than Lance would have thought. He eventually looked up from the spot on the floor, gazing out into space.

 

They watched as a moon of a nearby planet drifted lazily into view.

 

“What season do you think it is back home?”

 

Lance hadn't meant for the words to leave his mouth. His mouth snapped shut with an audible click. Keith snuck a sideways glance at him. 

 

Lance wasn't sure he wanted to know.

 

“I don't know, we could go check Pidge’s clock thing.”

 

Lance considered it briefly before shaking his head.

 

More silence followed. Maybe he should just get up and tell Keith goodnight and hope he'd never tell anyone about this.

 

“How long haven't you been sleeping?”

 

The question surprised Lance, shocking him into answering far more honestly and bluntly than he wanted.

 

“Few weeks… more maybe.”

 

Now Keith looked mad. Gone was the cool and collected guy from a few minutes ago.

 

“Have you told anyone?! Hunk? Pidge? Coran?”

 

“Nah,” Lance rubbed at the nape of his neck, avoiding the other paladin’s eyes. “It'll sort itself out. I'm used to it.”

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“It's called anxiety and depression, Keith, now can I just get back to wallowing in my own self pity in peace?” Heat crawled across his chest and neck. He hadn't meant to word vomit that. At Keith of all people. God, he needed to sleep, he was a fucking mess.

 

Keith’s wide eyes slowly softened from shock to something almost kind. Lance hated it.

 

He expected Keith to leave or mock him or drag him to find Shiro. Instead, the red paladin turned back to the night sky, seeming to settle in further.

 

Minutes dragged by, the room soundless save for the steady breathing of the two pilots. 

 

“I know you're homesick. And, I get that I lost the least when we came up here, but,” Keith looked pained as he spoke. “We all miss stuff. And, we’re all here to talk to.” Keith turned and looked him in the eye. “Even me.”

 

Lace laughed.

 

Full on belly busting laugh. Keith's mouth hung open as he looked at Lance as if he'd lost his damn mind. Maybe he had. 

 

He sat back up straight, wiping tears from his eyes.

 

“Jesus, Shiro must be rubbing off on you,” he whispered through the last of his giggles.

 

“I was trying to have a moment with you!” Keith threw his arms up, finally coming back to the Keith Lance was used to.

 

Keith huffed, pushing himself off the floor. Lance instinctively reached out and grabbed his wrist.

 

“Sorry,” he smiled. “Thanks, man.”

 

Keith pulled him up by his outstretched hand.

 

“Go to bed, McClain.”

 

He left Lance standing in the dark room. He considered just laying back down or perhaps going and getting a late night snack, but he'd had enough pity from his teammates for one night and didn't want to risk running into anyone else. He made his way quietly to his room and flopped onto his bed. At some point he faded into sleep.

 

 

“What's keeping you up?”

 

Lance’s head snapped towards the voice over his shoulder, heart skipping a beat.

 

“Dios, dude, give a guy a freaking heart attack.” He gripped at his chest, slowing his breathing, as Keith crossed the observation deck to where he was sitting.

 

Keith came to stand in front of him, arms crossed and a look of determination on his face. He stared down at Lance, the other boy still catching his breath from the minor shock.

 

“Well?”

 

“Well, what?” What was the question again? Ok, Lance definitely needed sleep if he couldn’t even keep up with Keith in a conversation.

 

“Why aren’t you sleeping?”

 

“Why do you care?”

 

Keith looked at him like a puzzle needing to be solved, like there was an answer somewhere for the mess that was the Blue Paladin. He was vaguely reminded of some of his teachers at the Garrison.

 

“We can’t form Voltron if you’re a hot mess. You couldn’t even keep up with the bots on the easiest setting in training today.”

 

“Listen,” Lance snarked, pointing what was intended to be a threatening finger in Keith’s direction.

 

“...Are you going to say something?...”

 

“Did you just call me hot?”

 

Keith was only dumbfounded for a second before he laughed, sharp and loud. It was Lance’s turn to stare incredulously.

 

“In your dreams,” he continued to chuckle. “Which you might be able to have if you’d tell me what the problem is.”

 

Lance’s brows knit together. He wanted to continue arguing, he really did. But a yawn ripped it’s way out of his lungs, and his argument was dead on his tongue.

 

He ran a heavy hand down his face.

 

“It’s just hard.” Keith waited for him to continue. “Like, I’m tired, god am I tired, but… the harder I try to sleep, the more impossible it is.”

 

Keith just watched him quietly.

 

“So, like, I lay down and it’s too quiet, even with the headphones. And, I think of my mom and my dad and my siblings. I think about how they’re doing without me, if they miss me. If I’m not there to help the little ones with math, will they make good grades? If I never see them again, do I still get to say I’m a brother? If I never play soccer again, am I still a soccer player? I don’t know who I am anymore.”

 

The floodgates had burst open, and with them came the waterworks.

 

Keith sat down close to Lance, still a space between them, but close enough to have crowded Lance’s vision.

 

“You’re a Paladin of Voltron,” Keith gently reminded him. “And-

 

“You’re a Paladin of Voltron!” Lance practically shouted. Had he had the energy, he would have jumped to his feet. “You’re a Paladin, Hunk’s a Paladin, Pidge and Shiro are Paladins! Everything that has ever been important to me, everything that I thought made me me is gone, millions of light years away. And now I’m left with nothing to claim but being a Paladin, and no offense, but when even the guy that hates you the most is a Paladin, it kind of isn’t that great.”

 

Keith was quiet, his head turned down, and Lance was regretting letting himself say all of those things. He had just wanted to sulk in peace.

 

“Look, I don’t want you to-”

 

“You’re a Paladin of Voltron. You are a defender of the universe and vital part of this team,” Keith started.

 

“Thanks, Shiro,” Lance scoffed.

 

“Shut up and listen to me.” Lance’s mouth closed with an audible snap, eyes locked on Keith. “You’re kind and loyal and you bring this team together. You’re funny and even smart when you're not busy being an idiot.”

 

Lance’s face was on fire. He had spoken more with Keith in the last two nights than he ever had without it turning into a fight, and now he was complimenting him? Had he slipped into an alternate reality?

 

“None of those things have anything to do with Earth.” Keith’s eyes flicked from Lance to the large window. “They’re just part of you.”

 

Ok, he had definitely slipped into another reality.

 

“Keith Kogane, the Keith Kogane, thinks I’m hot and funny?” Lance was smiling now. “Dude, why didn’t you tell me you were head over heels for me?”

 

Lance laughed as Keith turned bright red. He swung his legs underneath him and started to stand before Lance pulled him back down on the floor.

 

“Ok, ok, I’m sorry,” Lance’s grin softened. “I’m not great with serious… but, thank you.”

 

“You’re not just the sum of the things you did on Earth.”

 

Keith stared straight ahead, and Lance felt some of the tension of the last several months melt away as he watched Keith stargazing. His breath slowed to match the other Paladin’s, his heart rate less erratic. 

 

 

 

He woke with his face practically smothered by a pillow, drool crusting the corners of his mouth. The soft ambient light of the castle filled his room, easing him into consciousness. When had he gone to bed? The last thing he remembered was watching the stars with Keith.

 

As he sat up, hand dragging through his hair, a small piece of paper fluttered to his lap.

 

_’The Blue Lion chose you for a reason’_

 

 

 

Lance had lost his mind completely. He had to seriously be ill to be hallucinating Keith being this nice to him.

 

He gently rolled out of bed, as if any sudden movements would shatter this weird world he had found himself in. He placed the small handwritten note on his shelf. After a solid ten minutes of staring it down, he figured he should probably get dressed before someone came to find him.

 

Breakfast passed normally. Almost too normal. Keith didn’t mention the note or the last two nights of consoling Lance. He even had the audacity to tell Lance that his taste in movies sucked when he had quoted The Notebook to Hunk upon his arrival.

 

Training went smoother than it had all week. Lance having finally gotten some amount of sleep seemed to be making a world of difference, even to his teammates.

 

The day passed as so many others had before it.

 

Lance had started out the day feeling a bit better than he had been, but the discomfort in his body and in his head slowly began to creep in again.

 

It was time to pull out the big guns.

 

“Huuunnnk.”

 

He couldn’t wallow forever. And Keith was right, if he kept not sleeping, he could end up getting one of them killed.

 

“In here,” Hunk called. He was sitting at a large table littered with odds and ends, wires and bolts and about a hundred other things Lance couldn’t immediately identify. Pidge sat across from Hunk, face barely an inch away from some miniscule piece of tech. It was chilly in the hangars, but the site of his two best friends tinkering away together warmed his chest.

 

Lance plopped down on an upturned crate near Pidge and watched in silence for a couple minutes.

 

“Oh my god, you’re killing me,” Pidge finally huffed. “What’s wrong?”

 

“What, I didn’t even say anything!”

 

“Exactly! You’re never this quiet and still, what’s wrong?”

 

Lance balked. He had come here to talk, but now that he was here, he was clamming up.

 

“I think what Pidge means is that we’ve noticed that you haven’t been yourself lately, and we want you to know that we’re here for you.”

 

You haven’t been yourself lately. And wasn’t that just it.

 

Tears began to well in his eyes. Hunk was immediately up and enclosing him in his strong arms. Pidge’s face softened, and god didn’t this just make things worse. What happened to bearing your own burdens, McClain? 

 

Once Hunk was sure he was done falling apart, he stroked Lance’s hair one last time and moved to sit back in his spot. He mentally fortified himself to the best of his ability and took a mostly steady breath.

 

“I think I need more sleep,” he laughed.

 

“You’re not sleeping?” Hunk, ever the mom friend, looked as if he was 2 seconds from wrapping Lance up in a blanket and cradling him until he drifted off. 

 

“Why didn’t you say something? I never sleep, you coulda helped me with the new cloaking device I’ve been working on.”

 

Lance shrugged. He considered telling them about Keith, but it seemed like something that belonged to the night. Something that belonged to them and the stars.

 

“Do you want to talk about it,” Hunk offered.

 

“Not really. Not yet,” he added when Hunk looked ready to drag it out of him.

 

“Well, Coran and I picked up some roots awhile back that he says makes some pretty good tea, I guess. I haven’t tried it, but he says that’s what he would give Allura when she was a kid and couldn’t sleep.”

 

Lance didn't take the tea. He assured Hunk that he was so tired, if he drank the tea he wouldn't wake up for Zarkon himself. He made his way to room. He was gonna do it. He was gonna sleep.

 

Two and half hours later, and still nothing. His mind was a confusing racetrack of images of past family vacations and missions with the team, of flight simulations and Keith watching the stars.

 

Lance rolled over and looked at the chicken scratch of Keith’s note. He reached out and grabbed the slip of paper from his shelf, holding it in front of him.

 

 

 

He jerked awake, his chest heaving and heart racing. Sweat pooled in the creases of his joints. The small piece of paper was crushed in his tight grip.

 

Lance groaned. He hadn't had one of these in awhile. It was like waking up mid panic attack. He smoothed the crumpled note and replaced it on the shelf.

 

Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, he slipped into his house shoes and made for the door, grabbing his robe along the way. He must have crashed for a couple of hours. Neither Keith nor Shiro were occupying the training deck, so it must be pretty late.

 

The halls were dim and quiet, and Lance could feel himself settling the closer he got to the observation deck. 

 

The room was empty, and he made his way silently to his usual spot. As he crouched to sit down, he noticed something on the floor.

 

A small handwritten note caught the little bit of light in the room.

 

Lance could only stare at it.

 

Moments passed until Lance couldn't take it anymore and succumbed to his curiosity. He cautiously picked up the piece of paper, as if it would suddenly grow teeth and bite him.

 

_’You never back down from a challenge’_

 

Lance turned the note over hoping for more. What the hell. Was that a compliment? He wasn't sure.

 

What kind of game was Keith playing?

 

Lance didn't even look at the stars.


	2. Chapter 2

Mud squished in his boots. They were on some foul smelling swamp planet and due to a freak mud slip accident not at all caused by his own clumsiness, he had ended up with mud inside of his suit. Kneeling to kiss the hand of the planet’s Empress had not worked in his favor.

 

Back to the daily grind.

 

This was the seventh planet in as many days that they had traversed in the name of an alliance. The team had barely slept. Never enough time to truly relax. This week’s sleep schedule was about on par with the past several for Lance. The only discernible difference being the growing tension in his shoulders.

 

Lance loved visiting new planets, loved meeting new people and experiencing their culture. But, without fail, he had managed to screw up in some form or fashion on every planet they had touched down on this week.

 

It had started with mispronouncing some high priestess’ name and apparently calling her something very crude in Ksephtin. Then, breaking an important relic on PRPTR. Apparently the Xlkta consider sneezing practically pornagraphic. He was forbidden by both Shiro and Allura from talking to anyone after accidentally flirting with both an underage Fporung and the King’s grandmother on Glep. Yesterday he mostly behaved himself, until he mentioned to Hunk he was hungry enough to eat a cow, and while Allura was calming the Elders, Coran explained that the Vsst call their young caus.

 

What the hell.

 

He was the charming one. It was supposed to be Keith and Pidge getting them kicked out of places. And now he was covered in mud and fully regretting his decision to break his promise of not talking to anyone, but more importantly his decision to get out of bed.

 

They reached the castle and Lance could not wait to hit the showers. Shiro debriefed them. Overall, mission success. Even if Lance had managed to offend half the high council with his antics. Apparently the high priestess found it humorous.

 

Shucking his armor and suit, Lance slip slided his way across the smooth floor to one of the stalls. He'd have to wipe up the mud he was trailing everywhere before Coran saw it or he'd be on cleaning duty for a month.

 

Lance could hear some of the others coming through the door. He shouldn't have been surprised, while no one else had fallen in mud, they had still all had to make their way through fairly wet and humid areas. They were all pretty gross.

 

“Hey, man, you cleared out so quick you missed Shiro saying we had off a couple days,” Hunk cheerfully exclaimed as he took the stall nearest to him.

 

Keith followed behind him taking the next one down.

 

Lance hadn't spoken to Keith outside of missions in several days. He didn't know what to say really. He had laid his soul bare and Keith had not made fun of him, hadn't yelled at him or called him stupid. Instead he had acted like Lance’s troubles were valid. He had left notes for Lance.

 

Lance didn't know how to take that. He didn't feel like his problems were valid. He felt like he was being a giant baby. The Keith he knew would mock him relentlessly. Would joke about the situation. And honestly, that's what Lance wanted.

 

At least he thought so.

 

Lance didn't know. He was working off pure adrenaline and whatever those little pick me up bar things Pidge always ate when she was trying to finish a project that kept her endlessly energized. He barely knew his own name, much less how he felt about Keith and his weird little notes.

 

He hadn't been to the observation deck in days. He didn't want to feel Keith's eyes watching him, didn't want to be coerced into sharing his feelings. 

 

“Uh, you ok, bud?”

 

He realized he hadn't answered Hunk. He was just staring in Keith's general direction, eyes glassy and red.

 

“Uh, yeah,” he laughed. “Just really fucking exhausted. Probably gonna sleep straight through our days off.”

 

Lance plastered the best all is well smile on his face that he could manage. He knew Hunk could see right through it, but he also knew Hunk wouldn't call him on it until they were alone. He'd just have to bounce out of here quickly then.

 

Keith, ever the most efficient, turned his shower off and managed to leave the room before Lance had even been able to get the gunk from between his toes. Shit.

 

Hunk immediately turned on him.

 

“Ok, so I know you know that I know something's up.”

 

“Hunk-”

 

“I'm not gonna push you, but if you don't tell me what's going on, I'm gonna follow you around until you do.”

 

“How is that not pushing?!”

 

“Don't make me get Pidge involved, she’ll actually push you. Like down a small flight of stairs.”

 

Lance sighed as he shut off his water and wrapped a towel around him, Hunk following suit.

 

“I'm just not feeling good lately, I guess.”

 

Hunk eyed him for a second.

 

“I take it you don't mean like a stomachache.”

 

“No, like I feel like staying in bed and crying on my better days and shooting myself out of an air lock on my worst days.”

 

He hadn't meant to say it quite like that. Damn this sleep deprivation and how it loosened his tongue.

 

“Why didn't you say something?” Hunk was quiet, he looked almost hurt.

 

“Hunk, buddy, you know how I am.” He tried to chuckle. “This gloom bubble will pop eventually.”

 

He placed a gentle hand on his friend. Hunk used it to pull him into a hug.

 

“You always come and tell me when you feel like this though. We usually end up going for really greasy pizza and go to the used books and dvds shop to find some terrible romcom or b-horror movie. We always make a fort…”

 

Lance laughed for real this time.

 

“Hunk, there's no pizza in space.”

 

“You know what I mean.”

 

Lance was mostly dressed now. And even though he felt a bit better, he could tell Hunk was still on edge and feeling guilty. He pulled his shirt over his head and grabbed his jacket.

 

“Look, if it makes you feel better, I haven't just been completely stewing. I talked with Keith a little.”

 

Hunk’s eyes were the size of dinner plates.

 

“Now I know you're suicidal.”

 

Lance full on belly laughed at that. Thank god, at least Hunk knew to make jokes. He always knew what Lance needed.

 

“It's actually been surprisingly ok??? Like, we mostly just sit, but I don't know…”

 

He trailed off. He still didn't really want to talk about his brief moments with Keith. Mostly because they didn't feel real, and knowing how little sleep he'd had, they could have been dreams. 

 

If not for the notes.

 

“You know. He and Shiro had some heart to heart thing awhile back and he must have told him to chill or something, ‘cause dudes been way nicer to you in training. I'm glad you're getting along though.”

 

Lance had to take a moment. He wasn't surprised to hear that Shiro and Keith had some sort of super secret probably telepathic Moment™, or even that Shiro had told him to chill. No, what made him shut down briefly was that Keith had been treating him differently, and not just in the middle of the night when they were all alone.

 

He and Hunk chatted as they made their way through the halls towards their rooms. Hunk said goodnight as they approached his door. 

 

Lance put his hands in his pockets as he continued on to his own room, contemplating the things Hunk had said.

 

He felt a familiar bit of something in his pocket. He pulled free one of Keith’s notes. Except this was a new one. 

 

He hadn't found a note since the first two. Had Keith snuck this into his jacket just now while he was showering? Had it been there for awhile? He unfolded it.

 

You make everyone laugh

 

Lance stepped through his door. He opened a drawer and added this note to the others before flopping onto his bed.

 

Why was Keith being this nice to him? What brainwashing had Shiro pulled?

 

 

 

 

Lance spent the entire next day in his room. 

 

At some point Hunk had brought him food. He made some excuse about all the nights without sleep catching up to him or something. Hunk must have told the others because no one else had come by to check on him.

 

But Lance didn't sleep.

 

He just didn't have the energy to fake being himself any more. So the day passed in a haze of self loathing and confusion. Each passing moment more unbearable than the last. 

 

 

 

 

Lance had gone back and forth for the better part of an hour trying to decide if he wanted to go to the observation deck. He knew he wasn't sleeping any time soon, but did he want to run into Keith or anyone else for that matter?

 

Fuck it.

 

Lance shuffled through the corridors until he came to his favorite place on the whole ship. Silhouetted against a backdrop of a million glittering stars stood Keith.

 

He must have heard Lance, because he turned quickly towards the other paladin.

 

“Sorry, I-”

 

Lance didn't really know what to say, his voice raspy from not being used all day. Why was he apologizing in the first place, this used to be his spot.

 

“I can leave if you want,” Keith offered.

 

“I mean,” Lance swallowed. “It's fine, I guess, you're already here.”

 

He marched over to the window and sat down so quick his head rushed.

 

Keith copied him, though much more slowly.

 

They sat in silence for too long. Lance was itching to break the quiet, normally he would have already. 

 

“What are you going to do with your last day off?”

 

Was Keith actually initiating a normal conversation? He appreciated him not asking where he'd been all day.

 

“Uh… I don't know. Probably bother Hunk and Pidge until they kick me out of their hangars.”

 

Keith nodded, staring straight ahead.

 

“Um… what about you?..”

 

“Probably train. Help Shiro work through a new formation.” He shrugged.

 

“Why are you being so nice,” Lance blurted. He clapped a hand over his mouth. Great.

 

Keith just looked at him for a fraction of a second before looking back out the window.

 

Lance was prepared for a fight, for yelling, something very Keith. Instead, he just sort of leaned back on his hands, head tipped back.

 

“After I left the Garrison, I kind of lost it. Without Shiro, I didn't know what to do or how to function. Shiro reminded me that yelling at you wasn't going to fix anything, and that maybe if I had someone to look out for me in the desert, it wouldn't have taken me so long to be ok.”

 

Lance’s brain completely short circuited.

 

“You're… looking out for me?...”

 

“Yeah, I guess so.”

 

Several minutes passed.

 

“What's with the notes?”

 

Keith laughed softly.

 

“I don't know, you said you didn't know who you were, and I was just trying to remind you I guess.”

 

Lance’s face was on fire. 

 

This was too much.

 

“I don't want it.”

 

“What?” Keith's head snapped towards him.

 

“You're walking around on eggshells and being way too nice to me and I hate it. I just want you to yell at me, punch me and then ignore me.”

 

Keith's brow furrowed and every muscle in him seemed to be tense. Maybe Lance would get that punch after all.

 

“Don't be an idiot.”

 

Lance laughed, a hollow noise.

 

“That should be my next note. ‘You're a fucking idiot.’ Definitely more accurate than the ones you've been leaving me.”

 

Keith stood up, now towering over Lance. His mouth twitched as if he were trying to bite back his words.

 

“Look Keith, just because Shiro made me your charity case or whatever…” 

 

“Shiro didn't- what are you- god, you're such an asshole, Lance.”

 

“What's new?”

 

Lance laid down on his side, wrapping his robe a little tighter around him and staring out into the distant stars.

 

Keith's skin seemed to crackle with pent up energy. Just when Lance had braced himself for a fight, the other paladin stormed out of the room.

 

 

 

Lance wandered back to his room some hours later.

 

When he entered his room, there was a cup of something on his desk with a small piece of paper next to it.

 

He suddenly felt very nauseous. Did Keith not get it through his head that he didn't want his pity? Or was this finally a note with some actual characteristics of his like the one he had suggested earlier?

 

But then what was the cup?

 

He cautiously made his way over to the table. The cup held a steaming liquid filled nearly to the brim. The note was much bigger than Keith's previous ones, but as he got closer he could see Hunk’s neat handwriting scrawled across the paper.

 

I know you're not sleeping, hope this helps

 

There was a lopsided little heart underneath it.

 

Lance felt like such a dick. He definitely didn't deserve his best friend.

 

The tea smelled kind of weird, and the color was a toxic looking yellow, but it had a sweet tangy flavor. Lance sipped it as he crawled into bed. He really hoped this worked. He wasn't so far gone to actually think he was functioning, and while he was iffy on his own well being, he would never let himself be the cause of one of his teammates getting hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I'm doing these characters justice. Please don't think that Lance's inner thoughts regarding himself are a reflection of how I feel about him. He's actually my favorite lol.
> 
> Come talk to me on tumblr.  
> Main blog is [HoddieMaine](hoddiemaine.tumblr.com)  
> Voltron side blog is [joinmeinthishell](joinmeinthishell.tumblr.com)


	3. Chapter 3

Warm. 

 

Fuzzy. 

 

Sleep cocooned around him as surely as his blankets did.

 

 

Echoes.

 

Feet cold.

 

What do you mean?

 

 

Cotton mouth.

 

He didn't have anything to do with it.

 

Was he falling?

 

 

I wish-

 

I want-

 

What-

 

 

Goosebumps.

 

\- and how could anyone care about me?

 

I'm nothing.

 

 

 

 

He woke to soft sounds of breathing, his head rising and falling in time. He could smell something earthy, almost like dead leaves in the fall, and something sweet like one of the shampoos Allura had given him when they first got here.

 

Warm breath ghosted over his hair, as his surroundings slowly began to register.

 

He was curled into Keith’s side, his head pillowed on the other boy’s chest. Keith’s arm rested gently around his back, his face turned down towards Lance.

 

Cue minor freak out.

 

Lance’s heart rate skyrocketed. Should he run for the hills and hope Keith didn’t wake up in the process? Should he smack himself? Because surely this was a wild hormone driven dream that he needed to wake up from right the fuck now.

 

He slowly started to pull away. Keith shifted and Lance froze, sweat starting to bead on his forehead. He held his breath as he managed to slide out from underneath Keith's arm.

 

“Lance?” He had never heard Keith's voice so soft before. 

 

His face flushed violently as he continued to stand up.

 

“What are you doing?” Keith sluggishly sat up.

 

Lance bolted.

 

He was man enough to admit it.

 

He sprinted down the hall towards his room. It was clear Keith was not chasing after him, because he would have caught him in a minute, but Lance pushed himself to run harder anyway.

 

He collapsed once safe behind his own door. 

 

What. The fuck.

 

When had he gone to the observation deck? WHY WAS HE CUDDLING WITH KEITH?! What happened?

 

 

 

Nearly an hour had passed and Lance's breathing had mostly returned to normal. His stomach was screaming at him, and he had finished off the last of his snack stash in his room. He knew it had to be close to breakfast time judging by the level of light in the hallway when he had made his mad dash through just a little while ago.

 

He took a deep breath and made his way to the kitchen.

 

Hunk was just carrying over plates of food as he rounded the corner. Everyone except Keith was seated at the table. Lance took his normal spot, hyper aware of the empty seat next to him that was usually occupied.

 

“Oh hey, you're awake, let me grab you a plate real quick,” Hunk said cheerfully.

 

He brought Lance his breakfast. They chatted amicably. No one called Lance out on his uncharacteristic silence, and no one mentioned Keith's absence. Could they not tell that something had happened?!

 

But had something happened? Lance didn't remember anything from last night. Had he been sleep walking?

 

 

 

Breakfast passed as if nothing weird was going on, and after helping Hunk clean up a bit Lance headed off to aimlessly wander through the ship. He had done this often when they first settled in, it was how he had found the seldom used observation deck. 

 

He had stopped paying attention to his surroundings, taking lefts and rights whenever he remembered he was supposed to be exploring. In the end though, he found himself near the training deck. 

 

He rounded the corner that he knew would loop him back towards the dorms, and practically ran right into Keith.

 

“Watch it-”

 

“Jesus-”

 

Lance was now locked in the most awkward and menacing stare battle of his life.

 

“Lance, about last night-”

 

“I don't remember anything.”

 

Keith's mouth snapped shut. If possible, his brow furrowed even more. He took a solid breath and-

 

Suddenly alarms started blaring and Allura’s voice shouted through the comms for them to get to their lions. The two paladins took off in separate directions, sprinting towards their hangar entrances. Lance practically tripping over himself as he put on his spare suit in the cockpit before jetting out into the darkness around them.

 

 

 

It was bad.

 

They were surrounded by Galra ships. Pidge and Green had been shocked by some electric field right out the gate and hadn't been able to use their cloaking device, but at least they were still functional.

 

Hunk had smashed his way through several ships, but even Yellow was starting to show some wear from the force of the last collision.

 

Lance and Keith had tag teamed several of the ships, none able to withstand the one two punch of fire and ice. That was until Lance and Blue took a heavy blow from the back.

 

Shiro had tried to call them together to form Voltron, but they just couldn't get to each other. Lance could hear their leader cursing between each command.

 

“Lance, how are you holding up,” Shiro gritted out as he and Black cut through another round of ships.

 

“Uh, Blue seems to be lagging a bit, but she's pulling it together now.” His lion pressed at his mind. “Yeah, ok, I get it,” he breathed out. 

 

“And also I'm bleeding a little,” Lance announced.

 

It wasn't technically true, he was bleeding quite a bit. Something had knocked loose from the impact of his hit and had hit him in the head. They were fine.

 

The other paladins erupted through the comms.

 

“What?!”

 

“Are you ok?”

 

“Allura, how soon can we get the portal open and get out of here,” Shiro called through the chaos.

 

Keith and Red were ripping through ship after ship, looping back around to where they were. Lance and Blue did their best to meet them in the middle. Lance could see one of the war ships readying a laser aimed straight at Keith.

 

“Keith, look out,” Lance screamed as he maneuvered Blue in front of the blast, knocking Red out of the way.

 

A shimmery bright blue and purple engulfed them. Lance blinked and found the team speeding through a wormhole. All in one piece.

 

It was a matter of seconds before the castle and five lions shot through the other side, the portal closing behind them. Well, that was lucky. Lance hadn't even realized they were all close enough to go through together, but thank god, right?

 

Blue touched down in her hangar and as he made his way up into the main hall that connected all five of the bays, he saw Keith charging in his direction.

 

“Hey, man, what's the-”

 

Keith shoved into him, not hard enough to knock him over, but he was a little woozy and swayed on the spot. It was probably the bump to the head.

 

“What the fu-”

 

“What the fuck, Lance?!”

 

“What did I do?!”

 

“What the hell was that? Are you an idiot?”

 

Lance could see Shiro heading towards them, Hunk and Pidge in tow.

 

“Keith, what's your problem, man?”

 

“What's my problem?! Are you kidding? You only care about yourself, McLain!”

 

“Hey guys, break it up,” Shiro called.

 

Lance shoved Keith back.

 

“You could have gotten yourself killed!”

 

“What, like you even care, Mullet.”

 

“And you push everyone away!” He shoved Lance again.

 

“Hey! Knock it off, Keith,” Shiro chastised as he pushed the two paladins away from each other.

 

“Of course I fucking care! We all care! You're the one that doesn't seem to care!”

 

With that Keith took off up the stairs. Lance just stared after him.

 

“Come on, Lance, let's get you up to Coran to clean you up.”

 

 

 

The cut was minor and Coran had him bandaged up in no time. Shiro sat across from him as Coran finished securing the bandage and double checking Lance’s pupils for signs of head trauma.

 

“Nearly done, Paladin! A mere bump on the head won't keep you down,” Coran mused as he clasped a hand on Lance’s shoulder.

 

Shiro sighed and rested his head in his hands. Lance could feel the ‘I'm not mad, I'm disappointed’ coming from where he sat.

 

“Shiro-”

 

“You two seemed to be doing so well.” He lifted his head to look at Lance. In turn, the other paladin could suddenly look only at the floor.

 

“I know you want us to be best friends, or whatever, but even your Jedi mind tricks didn't seem to work. It's just like in Chem class, Keith and I are the two chemicals the teacher tells you never to mix but you just have to just to see what happens and then the next thing you know they have to evacuate the Garrison.”

 

“That from experience?” Shiro chuckles, but the tension is still evident in his shoulders.

 

Lance doesn't have the energy to look sly, he just ends up looking guilty.

 

“Look, Lance,” Shiro says as he comes to stand in front of him. “You and Keith can be volatile, but I could see real progress between you both. And I don't know what you mean by Jedi mind tricks, but I do think it's important that we all take care of each other. You don't have to be best friends, but we are a team, and I think we all care for you, including Keith. I think you scared all of us out there today, so maybe you should take it easy on him.”

 

So Shiro wasn't going to fess up to making Keith be nice to him. Well, whatever, Lance couldn't really be mad at him for trying to keep the peace anyway.

 

“Alright, let's get you to your room, Coran has been signaling me behind your back that you need rest,” he laughed.

 

“Have not!”

 

 

 

Lance was standing in front of Keith's door. Obviously Keith was the asshole here, but he knew the blame was somehow going to fall on him if he didn't at least make an attempt. In the aftermath of the battle, he had almost forgotten about waking up in Keith's arms, and while he wanted to immediately forget it, he also felt this burning need to know what the hell happened.

 

“Are you gonna stand outside his door all night?”

 

“Jesus, Pidge!” Lance clutched his heart as he practically slammed into the door in front of him. “Why are you creeping around this-”

 

Keith's door slid open and there stood Keith, a mixture of irritation and confusion on his face.

 

“Goodnight! Have fun,” Pidge called as she dashed into her room.

 

“What the hell are you doing, Lance?”

 

“Uhh…”

 

“Seriously?” Keith turned away from the door and it began to close.

 

“Wait!”

 

Before his better judgement even had a chance to kick in, Lance threw himself into the room before the door had a chance to slide shut. Keith turned on him looking practically rabid.

 

“Get. The hell. Out,” Keith bit out between gritted teeth.

 

“No! Clearly everyone thinks I messed up!”

 

Keith didn't respond, he just glared daggers into Lance.

 

“And I guess you think that too.”

 

“Yeah, I do.”

 

“Keith, come on, man, I'm sorry I recklessly tried to save your life.”

 

“That's not the issue here,” Keith shouted, hands balled into fists, face unnaturally red.

 

“Well, then what is? Clearly I can't keep up with whatever melodramatic bs you've decided to mad about now.”

 

“You think I'm being melodramatic?! Lance, you are practically the embodiment of melodrama!”

 

“Well why don't you put that on one of your little notes then, huh?!” Lance was in Keith's face now. 

 

“I thought we were passed this! What happened to all the shit you said last night?!”

 

“What, tell me, what did I say last night, because I sure as hell don't remember, so whatever-”

 

“Why do you always do this?!”

 

And with that Keith shoved him.

 

Hard.

 

Limbs knocked into every piece of furniture in Keith's room as the two paladins began to fight in earnest. 

 

“Why do you always pretend like it never happened?! You make me think we’re ok and then fucking backtrack and we're back at square one!”

 

“I don't know what you're talking about!” With the limited space, Lance seemed to be able to hold his own until Keith swiped his legs out from under him and pinned him to the floor. “Gah! I literally, fuck ow, don't remember anything after I drank that tea Hunk gave me!”

 

Keith stopped suddenly, a look of confusion painted across his face before Lance punched him straight in the face. Keith rolled off the other paladin and onto the floor, Lance following after him, hands outstretched.

 

“Oh shit! Keith, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you stopped!” 

 

“Fuck!” Keith's hand cupped his right eye. “McLain, what the fuck?!”

 

“Oh god, I'm so sorry, let me go get Shiro.”

 

“Wait.” Keith grabbed Lance, keeping him close. “You really don't remember last night.”

 

Lance's face turned bright red.

 

“No, and please god don't tell me we had sex.”

 

“What. No.”

 

Suddenly the little space between them felt very awkward.

 

“Not that, I mean, well-”

 

“Lance, shut up.” Keith sat up a little straighter, putting some distance between them.

 

“What's the last thing you remember?”

 

“Uh, I drank some tea that was supposed to help me sleep, and then I crawled in bed and passed out…”

 

“I thought you were sleepwalking at first.” Keith looked at Lance, his eye quickly darkening to a sickening color. “I found you in the hallway walking around barefoot. I asked what you were doing and you said you were cold. Of course you were cold, you were only in your sleep pants.”

 

“You saw me shirtless?”

 

“I've seen you shirtless like a hundred times.”

 

“Yeah, but not while I was high or whatever!”

 

Keith rolled his eyes, wincing in the process.

 

“Ok. Well, you said something about purple wombats and I asked what you meant, but you weren't exactly coherent, so I tried to put you back in bad, but you wouldn't listen to me, you said you were plenty awake. I didn't believe you, but you were going to wake everyone up if I didn't let you go to the observation deck, so I got your stupid bathrobe, and that's where we went.”

 

“Ok, that doesn't explain why I woke up with you wrapped around me.”

 

Keith shot him a dirty look.

 

“We went to the observation deck and we talked. Then we fell asleep.”

 

Keith turned away, but Lance could see the tiniest bit of red creeping up the back of his neck.

 

“Ok… well, what did we talk about?...”

 

Keith sighed heavily.

 

“You told me to stop being nice just because Shiro told me to.”

 

Lance waited for Keith to continue, when he didn't, he leaned forward into his line of sight.

 

“And…?”

 

“And, I told you he didn't have anything to do with it!” Keith's words came out in one big breath and he suddenly looked ready to bolt from his own room.

 

“Then why have you been so nice to me lately? It's not like I've been a joy to be around lately. You've seen that more than anyone this time around.”

 

“Am I really going to have to say it again?”

 

Keith looked into Lance's eyes and he could feel himself paling under the scrutiny.

 

“I told you that I wish you could see what I see, what we all see. That that's why I've been writing the notes. That I want you,” his voice cracked, “I want you to feel loved and to know that we care.”

 

“What.”

 

Keith laughed, but it was a sad and broken mockery of his usual laugh.

 

“I'm pretty sure that's exactly what your response was last night too. And then.” Keith wiped at his face and suddenly Lance realized he was crying. “How could anyone care about you, you're nothing.”

 

Lance felt a tidal wave of guilt wash over him.

 

“Keith,” he said, barely a whisper.

 

“It broke my heart, Lance! Can't you see? You're everything! This team needs you! I need you! And if you don't love me back, that's fine, but don't think that you aren't important and that we couldn't go on without you.”

 

Keith wiped his face and made to stand up, but Lance grabbed him by the collar, yanking him back down in front of him.

 

“What? What did you say?”

 

“Come on.” Keith made to stand up again, but Lance's grip didn't waver.

 

“I didn't-”

 

“I told you last night, you made me write it down, I gave it to you and then you started falling asleep, I tried to get you to stand up so I could take you to your room, but you wouldn't listen and asked if we could just lay there for awhile. I thought maybe… but you gave me the paper back. Told me to keep it.”

 

“Keith-”

 

“No, it's ok, you don't feel the same-”

 

“I think that was my tea addled brain trying to say it back!”

 

Keith's eyes finally looked up from the floor.

 

“I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. About you.” Both boys blushed. “But, I'm not good. I'd make you miserable-”

 

“You already make me miserable.” Keith smirked.

 

“Shut up,” Lance laughed. “I'm serious.”

 

“I thought I was supposed to be the serious one.”

 

“Oh my god, no, you're the asshole, obviously.” Lance's words held no bite though. “I just don't want to drag you down with me.”

 

Keith kneeled closer and slowly pulled Lance into a hug.

 

“You're not very good at this,” Lance lied, pulling Keith in tighter.

 

“You're not gonna pull me down, and I'm not an idiot, I'm not gonna say I can keep you afloat, because only you can do that, but maybe I can at least be your swimming buddy?”

 

Lance laughed. The noise made Keith blush, but a smile spread across his face.

 

“That was so cheesy, I love it,” Lance beamed.

 

He pulled Keith into a kiss. 

 

 

 

Days turned into weeks, turned into months, and everything was just the same routine all over again. Every day exactly the same as the day before. Never ending space battles, diplomacy with alien planets, training, food goo, making out with the boyfriend when they think no one is looking, finding love notes hidden all over the ship, falling asleep with the person he loves. 

 

Every morning he wakes up cradled in Keith's arms, and he couldn't be happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm too exhausted to proof read this, so hopefully there aren't too many typos. I'll check it in the morning.
> 
> I hope you like it, I can tell just how rusty I've gotten at writing in the last year lol

**Author's Note:**

> I am so head over heels for Space Ranger Partners!
> 
> I'm so so sorry for anyone that's been waiting for me to update my last fic. I'm the worst.
> 
> Also, I'm sorry if the formatting looks weird? I'm on mobile. I'll look tomorrow.


End file.
